Family focused, lovely and newly retired, Janet Evans!

Janet at Mono Lake

This month we are treated to a chat with a beloved client who truly exemplifies what it means to be devoted and compassionate --- retired attorney Janet Evans.  Known by many of our readers as a colleague, professional and friend, you will enjoy catching up with her as she begins her retirement years.  It’s not at all easy to step away from a busy and successful law practice and segue into retirement.   She shares this professional journey with us along with other life lessons learned along the way, her passion for gardening, and how she fills an irreplaceable role in her aging Mother’s life.

Janet, I first had the opportunity to meet you because of your professional move from San Francisco to Walnut Creek. A mutual colleague told me that there was this brilliant estate planning attorney named Janet Evans who was relocating and starting a practice to be close to her family as her kids grew up. Surprisingly, even that recently, it was still considered a bit shocking for a woman to walk away from a big successful law firm in “The City” to practice in the “burbs.” So of course, I just had to meet you! Having done the same thing myself --- staying in the suburbs to be close to my kids as they grew up --- I was a bit ridiculed by those who said I’d never “make it” if I wasn’t working in “The City.” Did you take a bit of ridicule or “flack” from your colleagues, or were they generally supportive? What was the “ah ha!” moment that you experienced that brought you to that decision, Janet, or was it a series of so many little things that just added up? Did it all come to pass as you had envisioned?

Everyone was very supportive, and I have my fellow estate planners to thank for many of my first clients. Leaving a job I valued in San Francisco to set up my own practice was an intimidating prospect, but I'd already been practicing for 20 years and had survived a career change that was far more wrenching a decade earlier. At the time I made that earlier change, I had an infant and a toddler and was coming to terms with the fact that trying to practice full time and care for my family made me feel like I was coming apart at the seams. Deciding to take a part-time "contract" position ran counter to everything I'd absorbed from the culture of practicing law, yet it rejuvenated me and taught me that change is possible.

When I first went to work in San Francisco, we lived in Oakland, and my commute was quite manageable. Relocating to Clayton six years later substantially lengthened that commute, and after four years, I decided I needed to work closer to home. I also realized that I wanted to live and work in the same community. Knowing that growing a practice would take time, we moved to a more modest home, which helped balance the economic impact of losing my salary. Did it turn out as I envisioned? Close enough. I very much enjoyed my clients and my practice, and as I'd expected, it made it much easier to care for our children, Brian and Megan, as they moved through their teenage years and into young adulthood. I never regretted making the change, and that period was the most satisfying of my professional life.

Brian and Megan, Lassen National Park, July 1998

Tell us about your childhood and how that influenced you as you developed your own core values. How did you and your husband, also an attorney, meet?

Let's start with the easy part of your question. I met my husband on the second day of law school in Classroom H. All first year law students were assigned to one of six sections, and each section took all their courses together in a single classroom. I'd bonded with my classmate Lindy on the first day of law school over the frigid temperature maintained in the classroom. She strode into class on the second day with my future husband following in her wake. I could say the rest is history, but in truth, it took a number of years for us to become a couple. However, our friendship dates back to that time, as do a number of other friendships.

I suppose I developed my core values the way any child does, by observing my elders and being instructed by them. I was fortunate to have a nurturing mother and a supportive father, as well as a number of other elders who let me tag around after them and treated me as a valued human being. The adults in my life also talked to one another about moral issues, big and small, as well as politics, science and religion. When I was three, I learned that it didn't feel particularly good to hurt someone else by whacking my younger brother John on the head with one of my blocks because his very presence annoyed me. I do not remember being disciplined, but I remember vividly feeling appalled at what I'd done. When I was in my 50's, I asked my mother if she remembered the incident, and how she'd responded. Yes, she remembered, and said she'd picked up my brother and comforted him, telling me that I must never do that again. Suffice it to say that she had a gift with children.

Janet on her wedding day, escorted by brothers Jeff and John

Did you always know you were destined to become an attorney? What drew you to specialize in Estate Planning?

I had no idea I wanted to practice law when I was young. I only knew that I didn't want to be a nurse (my mother's profession) or a teacher. Perhaps it was hearing my mother say that my father should have been a lawyer, and everyone saying that I was "just like" my father, that first put the idea in my head. (My father was an aerospace research scientist and worked for NASA. He died when I was 18.) Falling into estate planning was a happy accident. I was offered the opportunity and took it. The intersection between the law and the human issues it addresses is particularly apparent in estate planning and fit my capabilities and interests far better than would have litigation, family law, or many other areas of practice.

Are your children following in their parent’s footsteps or finding a different path?

Neither of our children is interested in practicing law. Our son has a Masters in Marriage and Family counseling and is currently working with prisoners who are about to be paroled, helping them line up medical assistance, disability benefits and other services to which they may be entitled. The hope is that having these services and benefits in place before they are released will reduce recidivism. Our daughter, who has a BA in Sociology, is in a nursing program, and has found her niche there. So both children have chosen "nurturing professions," and while most people do not think of the law in this light, practicing law does involve counseling other human beings. So in that sense, there is a common thread.

Last year you made a shocking announcement: you were retiring! Many readers of this column are former clients as well as colleagues, and I can just share with you something I’m hoping you already know --- you made a tremendous and positive impact on many lives and are missed! You continue to be incredibly family oriented, Janet --- I think it’s just imbedded in your DNA! Even as your children have launched, you are now deeply involved in the care of your Mom. I’m certain this is something that many of us can relate to and it would be great if you could share that journey with us. Was your retirement planning tied in with your Mom’s growing need of your time?

Thank you for saying so, Lynn. Meeting my mother's needs over the last seven years certainly had a cumulative impact on my ability to maintain a law practice. Caring for someone else, or managing their care, often involves a long term commitment of time and emotional energy that requires adjustments to other areas of one's life. So many people have this kind of responsibility, but there isn't much guidance on how to make everything work together.

Part of the challenge is simply finding the hours in the week necessary to see that she is well cared for and remains as much a part of the world as she can. However, it is also a challenge to manage the emotional ups and downs of caring for someone you love who is slowly failing. One moment I'm cheered because she still knows her family and friends and can enjoy stories about them despite her cognitive issues. The next moment I'm having to grapple with the way in which her world is contracting, or feeling helpless because yet another small problem needs solving.

I am very fortunate in that my two brothers are emotionally supportive. However, the price we pay for our mobility is that when my mother needed to leave her home in Los Gatos, we had to make a choice as to which of the three of us she would live near. Making the relatively short move to Contra Costa County was the least disruptive to her, and for a variety of reasons, my time was more flexible than theirs. I am also fortunate to have a supportive husband, both financially and emotionally. It was easy to see the value of my work with our children precisely because they were ours, not mine. But my mother is not my husband's mother, and it would be easy for him to resent the impact caring for her has had on us. (I tell him I'm modeling for our children.) I value his support greatly.

Megan, Janet's Mom, Muriel, and Janet at Tuolumne Meadows Yosemite National Park

Do you feel that your work in Estate Planning, and particularly your work with clients planning for their own old age or grappling with their own elder's needs, helped you prepare for this role? What advice would you have for those of us just embarking on a similar path with our own parents as they need assistance?

Certainly my background helped, as did the generosity of clients, friends and family in sharing their own experiences. Having a good estate plan in place, and getting legal advice when it must be implemented, are both important. However, I can't make any estate planning recommendations in response to your question. Changing my status with the State Bar to "inactive,” as I did when I retired, means that I am no longer permitted to give legal advice. So what follows are some of my personal experiences. Perhaps they will be useful, just as other people's stories were useful to me.

It was very helpful that our family began discussing the fact that my mother probably could not remain in her own home for the rest of her life several years before she needed to move. And when the time came, it was her decision to move, as sad as that made her. To a degree, this shows what a remarkable person my mother is, but it may also reflect the fact that her physical disabilities forced her to move at a time when she was fully capable mentally.

I am also thankful that we hired a professional care manager while my mother was still in an independent living facility. A few months later, she had a bad fall, hit her head, and wasn't discovered until the next day. She was hospitalized, had surgery to drain a subdural hematoma, and underwent a period of intensive rehabilitation. However, she could not return to independent living and had to be discharged to a board and care facility. It was the most difficult period I've yet encountered, and the care manager was tremendously supportive and knowledgeable about our options.

Because of some of the ways in which my mother's cognitive issues manifested themselves, working with a good psychiatrist was also very beneficial. This was not a matter of sedating her to make her easier to manage but of helping control some of the symptoms that were most troubling to her. One of the medications prescribed also helps manage the chronic pain she has dealt with for the last 25+ years, augmenting the pain killers she needs to take. In fact, all my Mom's medical providers have been very helpful, and I'm glad we have them.

Beyond that, I think it’s important to keep your siblings in the loop. They don't know what you know, and most likely, they care. By the same token, if you have a sibling who is responsible for making day-to-day decisions, try to be supportive. I can't tell you how much it helps me when my brother John says, "Thank you for all you do" or my brother Jeff let's me vent about some frustration I've encountered. Each of them sees my mother as often as geography and time permit, and each has made an effort to see that his children see their grandmother when they can. It all makes a difference.

I'd also like to pass on one of the most useful things someone said to me when my children were young, and that is that loving someone doesn't mean that caring for them isn't work. I think it's important that we all acknowledge this, and acknowledge the economic and practical value of that work.

Lastly, remember what you learned when you were raising your children? If you don't take care of yourself, you're no good to anybody. It's still true.

Your love of gardening is legendary! Tell us about the style of garden you enjoy, how you design and maintain it. What drew you to this passion?

Black eyed Susans are a favorite!

I think gardening was one of those interests I was born with. My parents weren't gardeners, but my maternal grandfather was. I liked playing "harvest the wheat" with the weeds in our backyard, and whenever we spotted the first green growth after the rains started, my brothers and I would tear into the house to share this exciting news with our parents. Let's call my gardening style "exuberant." I like growing perennials, herbs, roses and California natives, and I'm afraid I want all the colors and all the flowers. I love having native bees, birds, lizards and spiders in our yard. Besides being good exercise, I find caring for the garden soothing, and there is always something interesting to see. This year, there was a swarm of bees that passed through, weeks when the air was full of dragonflies, and some birds I'd never seen before, maybe flickers.

Janet's garden path

I also know that you are a big hiker. Is this a solo event for you typically? Or do you belong to hiking groups? You are incredibly fit, Janet, so I’m thinking that a lot of that comes from these great outdoor activities. Is that what launched your interest?

I was taught never to hike alone, Lynn, and I don't. I don't have a formal group, but I have friends I hike with, and there are lots of organized hikes to choose from here in the Bay Area. There are also a few trails that are well enough traveled one really isn't alone. We camped and hiked when I was growing up, so that's what developed my interest.

So, I conspired with your former “right hand,” Robyn Garcia, to ferret out some “unknown stories about the REAL Janet Evans!” In addition to your love of the outdoors and nature, you are also a bit of a pet whisperer, I learned. And let me just say, after hearing some of these stories, if something happens to me I SO want to be adopted by you!!! Tell us about the finches (one with the curved beak), Chester the lop-eared bunny, and adopting your Mom’s dog, Dalai. Any other pet stories to tell? Would you say you are an animal lover, or just a great Mom who happened to be in the right place at the right time to help very lucky animals?

Pet care is not one of my strengths, nor is it a great interest of mine. But if your daughter's bird will die unless you catch it every few weeks and clip its beak, you learn how, and if the rabbit needs a penicillin shot every other day, you pick up that odd skill as well. (Both animals required this special care because their beak/teeth did not properly occlude and consequently did not wear as nature intended.) I think we come to love the creatures we care for. I am not a dog person, but after my mother fell, we took over the care of her dog Dalai, who died recently at age 17, and I confess to growing quite fond of her. We're down to two elderly cats now. I'm still not a dog person, and I'll never have another bird or a bunny, but I'm glad I learned to care for them.

And – okay --- here’s that big secret out for everyone to know --- I hear you collect hats! Tell us about that fun hobby --- what kind of hats and how did your hat affair begin?

I have sun damage along my part that probably relates back to childhood vacations at high elevation without a hat. My dermatologist said "Wear a hat", so I wear a hat. And if you have to wear a hat, you might as well have fun doing it.

Your husband is a huge golfer, so I know you do a lot of travel around that sport. Do you golf as well? What type of travel do you enjoy the most?

No, I don't golf, nor will I. (I don't need another time-consuming hobby.) However, I've promised to walk a golf course with him, and have learned a bit about the game over the years.

You continue to educate and inspire, Janet. In closing, please share with us lessons learned that you believe are timeless with respect to “having it all” --- family, career, retirement. What do you wish someone had told you right out of college?

"Having it all" is simply a euphemism for doing it all. And you can't, so just do the best you can. You'll have to make adjustments one way or another and how you make those adjustments will be unique to you and your circumstances. A sense of humor helps, and talking with other people in the same boat will keep you sane. Lastly, don't let anyone else define what "success" means to you.

As someone who has been fortunate to work with Janet in a variety of roles, I know how much she is missed by colleagues and former clients.   Thanks, Janet, for sharing your journey with us as you wound down your busy professional life and traded in law journals for gardening books!  Your family is truly blessed to have you there for them, and we all wish you well in your newest adventures!

Janet in her lovely garden